2023, december 3

inside my novel

after a full day of binge-worrying, mia‘s mind unexpectedly shifted into a state of deep relaxation. it was a paradoxical surrender: the more she worried, the more her mind eventually let go. reminiscent of her experience with her tense shoulder muscle — counterintuitively, not relaxation, but further straining would loosen the muscle. doing a shoulder workout, she would push the muscle to its limits until it had no choice but to relent. further tension led to ultimate relaxation. same with her mind: mia had worried so hard, it was like she had worried the worries out of her system. overthinking burns itself out. she exhausted her anxiety, leaving her mind in a serene repose. 

2023, november 3

inside my novel.

recently, mia realized that she finds people most beautiful when they’re hungover or heartbroken. it’s because they let go of all composure. their faces look like they are slightly melting. not horror movie melting, but firm melting like tealight wax after you’ve blown out the light and after a few minutes, it’s not liquid anymore but not hard yet. that kind of softness the tealight wax has. that’s the softness people have in their face when they’re letting go of all composure because they’re hungover or heartbroken. that’s how mia’s face will look. those tiny muscles by her eyes, they will be completely relaxed. almost like they’ve given up.

2023, october 10

inside my novel.

[mia] mia. whenever the mess flooded her apartment, mia would turn to painting. not because the chaos itself was inspiring – far from it. but because painting was her way of justifying this excessive clutter. seeing it as the mess of a forty-year-old made her feel incapable of life. but viewing it as the chaos of an artist she felt her genius underpinned.

2023, september 21

message to a friend.

you asked me why u. never holds grudges. how does she manage to let go of fights and hurt feelings? i think the difference between u. and people who hold grudges ist that she sees the fights and hurt feelings as single dots and doesn‘t connect the dots with a line. she can still feel and relate to the pain from each single dot, but she doesn‘t draw a line from one dot to the next and to the present.